M-I-L Jokes (#1)
A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, "Could you please cut my dog's tail off?" The vet examines the tail and says, "There is nothing wrong. Why would you want this done?" The man replies, "My MIL is coming to visit, and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!"
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation, and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George, "My friend, the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000 dollars." The Consul continued, "In most of these cases, the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150 dollars". George thinks for some time, and answers the Consul, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back. That's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the difference in price between $5,000 and $150 dollars." "No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem, and on the third day he was resurrected. Consequently, I do not want to take that chance!"
Mother Knows Best: At a senior citizen's meeting, a couple were celebrating their 50th Anniversary. The husband stood up and was telling story of his dating habits in his youth. It seemed that every time he brought home a girl to meet his mother, his mother didn't like her. So, finally, he started searching until he found a girl who not only looked like his mother and acted like his mother, she even sounded like his mother. So he brought her home one night to have dinner, and his father didn't like her.
I picked my MIL up at the airport last night. Yeah, those airport lounges are so dark!
Doctor: I'm sorry to say that your MIL had a heart attack.
SIL/DIL: That's impossible!
Doctor: What do mean that's impossible?
SIL/DIL: She can't have a heart attack! She doesn't have a heart!
My MIL said to me, "I'll dance on your grave." I said, "I hope you do. I'm being buried at sea."
Adam and Eve were the happiest, and the luckiest, couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.
Does it really surprise anyone that Mother-in-law's Day occurs less than one week before Halloween?
I have never made a fool of my MIL.
I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.
My MIL and I were happy for 20 years.
Then we met each other.
A man finds a lamp, rubs it, and sure enough a genie appears. The genie tells the man he may have 2 wishes. He will get whatever 2 things he wishes, BUT whatever he gets, his MIL will get double. The man thinks for a while & then proclaims "1. I'd like a million dollars. 2. Beat me half to death"
Q: What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and your MIL?
A: Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, your MIL doesn't know the difference.
Q: What are the two worst things about your MIL?
A: Her faces.
I always know when it's the mother-in-law knocking at the door – the mice throw themselves in the traps.
Last week my wife and I went car shopping, and the salesman asked if I wanted a car with an Airbag. I said, "No thanks. I already have a Mother-in-law."
I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in the word "mother-in-law" you get the words "woman Hitler".
"It was really cold outside today."
"HOW COLD WAS IT?"
"It was colder than a mother-in-law's kiss!"
Q: The difference between outlaws and in-laws?
A: Outlaws are Wanted!!
Then there is the joke about the guy who was told by his doctor that he has only 6 months to live. He decides to move in with his mother-in-law, because living with her for 6 months will seem like forever.